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IYD INC from Boynton Beach, Fl , USA said:

Thanks for the great feedback, Jacksonsinder! We actually have added a lot more in for the pilot than we originally intended (including revealing that IYD is not on Earth). Each draft we let a little more be known.

It's kind of our ongoing debate of throwing a TON into the pilot and sending it out, and having a reader think "Fun...but now where do they go, so much has been told to us." VS "Fun...but I'm a little lost, I want to know more." We've always erred on the side that most of the "complaints" on our pilot seem to be "I want to know more." That's kind of our goal, to make the viewer want to come back to know more.

What's funny is that we do actually give out the two big pieces of information that you mention below within the first few episodes of season one. Both rules, and stakes are shown pretty dramatically. I think we just like saving those items for later and trusting that the audience will understand enough of what's going on to enjoy the show until those answers are metered out.

The one note we are definitely working on is the stakes for Daniel and Lucy. Again, we have to tread lightly as both characters have some big revelations that we don't want to share TOO soon. Always hate making the LOST comparison, as it was lightning in a bottle, or Twin Peaks, but those are two shows that gave you VERY little at the start. They were more about building up the characters before they began delving into the what/where/when's.

Gonna take a look at RUSH right now, looking forward to it. I know a lot of folks are looking for something to fill Deadwood's void.

At 10:55 on Monday, Feb 20, 2012

jacksonsinder from New York , USA said:

Hey guys,

Just read through DreamWriters and was really impressed with the deft storytelling, the ultra-clean style and the comprehensive, realized vision of this super cool world, so congrats! Really fun piece to read and the elements of mystery work well to catalyze interest in your script - particularly the break at the end of act 3.

A few things I noticed that you guys might want to think about on your next comb over: I know you've already gotten the note about clarifying Daniel's stakes (which I think is an important note and could be asked of Lucy's character as well), but I'm more interested in learning about the stakes of this world. Not that your script is much like Inception in any way - although im sure I'm not the first to bring up the comparison - but I do think that film has 2 important plot points that might help boost the energy and tension in this pilot script.

First off, I think we could use some exposition regarding how the rules of this world work. I know you're interested in having the audience play catch up (a good impulse) - and there is a delicate line to toe, like you said below, between revealing too much in your pilot and giving enough to get the audience coming back for more - but my advice would be to throw everything into the pot in this pilot for the purposes of getting backing for your project. Once you get someone interested - fingers crossed - then you can go back and make things more subtle, or pepper some of the exposition into later episodes, but I would make sure not to hold anything back in your pilot because if you're not going to be in the room with people who are reading your stuff (or on an online message board), it's all got to be on the page.

And this brings me back to my point about Inception: I think your script would benefit from having a moment like the many scenes in the film where Ellen Page and Leo trade expository jabs back and forth (I mean, let's be real, that entire movie is exposition). In a traditional drama it may be boring and unnecessary, but because you have 100% control of the rules in your fictional world of Sci-Fi, I think you guys would have fun with making sure that everything is crystal clear to us. You set the table with such interesting elements, that I think defining the rules as clearly as possible will only enrich the depth of your script. Because in your case, I don't think "exposition" should be treated like a bad word, ya know?

The second Inception inspired moment I think you guys are missing is a scene in which we learn not about the stakes of the character, but the stakes of the world itself. We learn about half-way through Inception that if they screw up they could land themselves in Limbo forever and ever and ever - yada yada yada, you guys can come up with better than that - but I want to know specifically what happens in your world if something goes wrong in these dreams. I know you guys have the answer to this question, but I think we need to get more of a hint of the answer in this pilot so we really know what we're getting into come episode 2.

Anyway, just a few thoughts that might or might not help you guys out. But good luck, really enjoyed reading this!

At 9:30 on Sunday, Feb 19, 2012

IYD INC from Boynton Beach, Fl , USA said:

Thanks Cortney. A lot of those notes are benefits we received in this competition last year. The criticism is not always fun to hear, but in truth, it's made our script much better, and knowing all those "DON'TS" going into a re-write can make all the difference.

At 5:09 on Thursday, Feb 16, 2012

Cortney Daniel Bonner from Atlanta, Georgia , USA said:

Hey Guys,

Thanks for your constructive criticism. I agree. The issue of the number of characters is perplexing because the well written detailed scripts I have read on this site, including yours, have contained numerous characters. For instance, the first episode of HBO's series "LUCK" had 16 characters with fairly extensive dialougue. Not that I think the show is groundbreaking by any means but it is in a place we would all love our projects to be.

Your point about having a face to go with a name is very true. Our scripts are not alone in that department. I have noticed that you guys have given a great deal of suggestions to other writers as well. That has also been helpful. If the writers decide to listen, they can learn a lot from your critiques. In reference to your point about embellishments in the "action" sections of the script, I agree. I want to thank you for that observation. Since reading your comments, I made revisions and noticed that if you just stick to the action and the dialogue, the scene pops and has much more life. By writing what the character is thinking or setting up the scene with embellishments, the writer actually limits the imagination of the reader. The scene is more effective without it. Esta muy importante! I don't know what you guys got on deck but Good Luck and I hope you get to where you're going!

At 4:24 on Thursday, Feb 16, 2012

IYD INC from Boynton Beach, Fl , USA said:

Thank you for the kind words, Cortney. We know we're juggling a large number of characters on the IYD side of things. They all wind up having a fairly big impact as the season wears on. I actually find that I have trouble with that when I'm reading a script, but not as much when I have a face to go with the name. Hopefully it won't be too much for viewers.

Lucy is our main Earthbound character. However, we will see a lot of other people's dreams as well. Our plan is to open each episode with a new dream written by a different DreamWriter.

We'll take a look at Behind Bars by the end of the week. Looking forward to reading it.

At 10:30 on Thursday, Feb 16, 2012

Cortney Daniel Bonner from Atlanta, Georgia , USA said:

Hey Guys,

I just peeped "DreamWriters". It's a great concept. It was a good idea to only focus on one individual "Lucy". Is she the only subject being used for the series? The format is tight. It was a smooth read. The characters at IYD were numerous and kind of hard to keep track of at times. I know that they are integral to the working parts of the "dream" factory. However, Daniel, Leah, Remy, Oz and Lex, were sufficient in my opinion. It's like going to a party and being introduced to a large number of people all at once. You might be establishing the other characters for future episodes. Other than that, the concept of dreams was a good choice. There is infinite material there. I enjoyed it and very eager to read more. When you have the time, check out my script "Behind Bars". I look forward to your critique. Thanks and Good Luck!

At 7:58 on Wednesday, Feb 15, 2012

IYD INC from Boynton Beach, Fl , USA said:

We'll definitely take a look at Summer's Lane. Thanks for your input.

That's an interesting note to see the implications of tampering. We kind of held back on it as we have it planned for a mid-first season episode. We wanted to give just a taste of everything in the pilot, but not too much so we would have places to go/questions to answer as we went along. We've been adding a little more in each re-write. Before you know it, we're going to tell you EVERYTHING. :) Heheh

Look for our notes on Summer's Lane later this week. Thanks again for reading!

At 6:55 on Monday, Feb 13, 2012

dsc1223 said:

Hey Guys,
Just finished reading your pilot.
I like the hook at the beginning but got lost waiting to get back into the story...finally did.
Once I saw where it was going was waiting for the "what if".
What if something went wrong from tampering?
Maybe early on...Someone being taking out by security...then the group talking about...ethics or something. Then there would be more of a risk taken and a bigger payoff.
When Daniel ask Leah to look at it...what about the "Butterfly Effect?"
Cool idea..........

If you get a chance...mine is ... Summer's Lane.

At 4:50 on Monday, Feb 13, 2012

IYD INC from Boynton Beach, Fl , USA said:

Reading it right now, John-Arthur.

At 2:59 on Friday, Feb 10, 2012

John-Arthur from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma , USA said:

Hey guys! Would love to get your thoughts on my pilot, The Belt when you get a chance. Once again, best of luck!

At 1:26 on Friday, Feb 10, 2012

IYD INC from Boynton Beach, Fl , USA said:

Mark, thank you so much for your kind words. We appreciate you reading the script and we're glad to hear you enjoyed it. We'll let you know as we continue to tweak the script in case you want to see some of the changes we'll be making. We're about 95% on our way to a final draft (a number that keeps changing each time we pull the script back out). We also have another episode which would act as the season 1 finale. Good luck with your script. There are some great websites where you can download scripts of existing shows. For you, I'd suggest Scrubs to get a handle on how to do the voice over. First time out of the gate is always tough. But don't give up.

At 12:07 on Friday, Feb 10, 2012

Mark Petry from Dallas TX , USA said:

I prinited this script out to take to lunch with me today. Usually when I bring something to read with me to lunch, I read a few paragraphs (no matter what it is) and then get to eating my subway sandwhich and head back to the office. Today, I left my sandwhich sitting for quite a while between bites. I love this premise!!! The dialogue is great and truly realistic, which is the biggest thing I look for when reading scripts, I hate "phony" dialogue. I like the back and forth from Lucy and back to Daniels world, and the little cliffhangers were great and definitely made me want to keep reading to see what would happen...especially the end where she screams Daniels name, whoa!!!! didn't see that coming. Great Job. This one has my vote!

At 5:02 on Thursday, Feb 9, 2012

IYD INC from Boynton Beach, Fl , USA said:

Thank you for reading, and for the feedback, Sean. That is always the tough line to tow of metering out the reveal of answers to the "big picture" of a series. Even harder is not knowing what kind of episode run you will have (if it's a network series, 24 episodes is a LOT of time to fill, and answers have to come out at a snail's pace...cable will offer a 12 episodes framework which allows things to move at a good clip).

One of the hardest writing challenges we faced with DreamWriters was the balance of the action on Earth and in the "Dream World". We have some more interesting elements in store for our Earthbound characters, but there isn't room in the pilot to really present them just yet. The good news is that our series arc, season 2 has a LOT more action taking place on Earth, and some great new characters.

That's a good note about our Act 2 reveal, and one I believe we discussed while writing. Our other act breaks tend to be pretty big moments, and that's the only one that slipped through as one that MOST of the audience will already see coming. We'll see if there's a better stinger for that scene though.

Thank you again for your comments and for taking the time to read our script. We quite enjoyed yours and wish you the best of luck in the competition!

At 11:00 on Tuesday, Feb 7, 2012

Sean M from Wellington , New Zealand said:

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read Dreamwriters.

There's some really good stuff in this pilot - I like the office politics on Daniel's side of things, and the characters here are well-drawn. I really liked the way that we slowly realise Daniel's office world is not our own... The script displays a good writing style and the story moves along nicely.

Thoughts on possible improvements:

I agree with John-Arthur's comments below about not being clear on Daniel's jeopardy/stakes. Sounds like you're planning to work on this, and I think that's a good idea.

The characters on Lucy's side of the story don't yet stand out to the degree of Daniel's set of characters, and I suspect that's due to more than less screentime... I don't find their relationships as compelling.

My biggest point would be that I think that you should probably move things along a little bit faster, or possibly just start up some more questions along the way while still getting to a similar point... Bear in mind that you provided me with pretty much the opposite feedback on my script (that I should slow down on using the central device), so this might just be a personal taste thing!

In a similar vein, I feel that you could examine the ends of your Acts to make sure they're compelling enough to keep the viewer coming back. In particular, I think your Act Two out could be stronger - I think it'll be clear to many viewers by this stage that Daniel's file is Lucy, so I didn't feel that was a strong enough end to this section. Maybe you could think about this reveal being at the end of Act One?

Hope that's useful, as one reader's impressions... I enjoyed it and would like to see where it goes!

Cheers, Sean M

At 5:34 on Tuesday, Feb 7, 2012

IYD INC from Boynton Beach, Fl , USA said:

Ha! From your mouth to God's ears, John! Hopefully the desire to learn more will catch someone's interest. And believe us when we say we've got some BIG answers ready for all the questions we raise in the pilot.

At 1:05 on Thursday, Feb 2, 2012

John-Arthur from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma , USA said:

You're very welcome! I enjoyed it.

I totally get the reasons for holding back certain information and answers to questions. I want you to hold back stuff. It just sucks that the only way we'll get a pay off for it at this point is to see it on Syfy or FX or wherever you plan to take it.

I caught on to most of what you are doing in the story. And it's probably better to find a better way to raise Daniel's stakes without using the worn path you spoke of with Newton. Also, I really like that the two worlds are bleeding together and I realized after I wrote my notes that the pilot is suppose to give us the feeling of confusion between worlds. We just need to know that Daniel and Lucy are on opposite ends, which is what you've done.

You're right that showing us the mundane work routine let's us know how the employees feel about their company, which adds a comedic but real element to their work relationships. I guess I just want more! And I won't get that til you guys get the green light from a network/cable and a full season order;)

At 10:19 on Wednesday, Feb 1, 2012

IYD INC from Boynton Beach, Fl , USA said:

John-Arthur, thank you so much for your feedback. Hard to answer some of your questions/concerns without giving to much away, but we'll try to clear some things up.

Tonally, you are right on the money. We very much want this series to be something dark, and large, and with a science fiction bent to it. However, the other part of it is indeed lighter, and to an extent mundane. Familiar offices. Familiar small talk. No matter what someone's job is, no matter how grandiose or interesting it may appear to someone else, often, for them, it's simply just another day. What I might think is the most amazing job in the world is to someone else routine and boring.

As for how much we tell you about their job, and the inner workings, that's set up for subsequent episodes and even seasons. For now, as long as it's clear that there is a company writing dreams, and their are genres that each write, we've (hopefully!) done our jobs. In just one episode we are introducing two worlds. How the two are connected, and how the unfamiliar one works are large arcs that we have carefully planned out throughout the run of the series.

That's a good note about the stakes. It's a tough line to walk in the pilot. We initially thought about following Newton around for the pilot, in order to introduce the audience...but it's a device that's overused. We understand we're asking a lot of the audience to keep up, but throwing people in the middle of things sometimes can help them to come back to find out the answers. Similar to a pilot like Lost. We know a plane has crashed on an Island, but the how/when/why is not something that can easily be answered in one episode. And if it is answered, there's less interest in coming back for subsequent episodes (and thankfully we actually KNOW the how/when/why of our series already, so no making it up as we go along).

Lucy is a tough character, and unfortunately has a difficult role in the pilot as she is a little in the dark. This particular note is very difficult to respond to in that there is a bit o a red herring in the pilot. If you're paying INCREDIBLY close attention, you might notice that this is a reoccurring dream for Lucy...and she had this dream before Daniel ever got her file. So, who we might assume to be one person at the close of the episode very well could turn out to be someone else entirely. Again, don't want to give too much away, but you're on the right track about Lucy's confusion of who/what she wants. That's a large part of her character and her development.

VERY interesting note about who's world is real, or who's world we should focus on. Who's to say that BOTH world's aren't real? Yes, one has a fantastical element to it, but we don't know exactly WHERE it is. Again, HUGE mystery throughout the run of the series. All the viewer should know is that Daniel and Lucy are not in the same place. Lucy lives among "us". Daniel somewhere altogether different.

Again, thank you so much for your thoughts and comments. It's really nice to have someone take the time to really give thoughtful, insightful notes. We hope our answers can help you to better understand why we wrote the pilot as we did. We definitely will look into your notes for further rewrites (especially your note about Daniel's stakes...that actually is something we can better address in the episode without tipping our hat too much). Thanks again!

At 9:44 on Wednesday, Feb 1, 2012

John-Arthur from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma , USA said:

Great premise! I love the world that you're building in this story. It's definitely large enough to fill several seasons. And it's provocative.

My big concerns:

-tonally, I was confused. you have a great teaser and it leads me to believe Im entering a dark sci/fi story, which i love. But for the next two acts it fills much lighter and borderline office comedy. I think it's because the info we learn, especially in act two is really just about how weird and divided the co-workers are. I want to know more about what they do and what the company does or how they really feel about it. It's an interesting job to have. You don't have to give away everything. I like that you hold back some info. One way to solve it, is maybe show us the Bakersfield job that Daniel did so well; just enough for us to have a frame of reference because your story world is so massive. That way we can be in on the joke of Daniel's inability to write romance instead of hammering on about it in dialogue.

-it's unclear exactly what the stakes are, especially with Daniel. I get that he wants to conquer writing romance and wants to see his copy, but I don't know to what degree the danger is of him getting it wrong or getting caught. Leah is vague about the danger, especially since she's apparently done it before and was successful. I want to know how high are the stakes for Daniel. Is it possible to have Daniel train the newbie instead of Truman? That way we can learn more about the company and it's function through Daniel and Newton. And it could raise the stakes for Daniel, because now he's forced to show someone the right way to do things while breaking the rules at the same time. He risks giving a bad impression of the company or something??

-I'm confused about Lucy's goals. Does she actually want the man of her dreams OR to find out what's really happening in her dreams and having Daniel get it right? Or what he's doing?

-I love the ending of Act Three. Very visual and haunting. However, the next act begins with Daniel and the crew at a bar. Which raises many questions. Some that are better off answered in future episodes and some that should be answered in the pilot to avoid confusion; whose world is real? Lucy's or Daniel's? Or which one is more important to the audience so we have some anchor to grasp during the show? Make sense?

-I love the reveal of Lucy acknowledging Daniel at the end. Like I said, it's very haunting and a bit dark. Love it! It's interesting because there's nothing in the pilot to suggest that Daniel was the man of Lucy's dreams until the very last scene. It raises some great questions for the next episode.

Anywhoo, I enjoyed it! I hope you're able to find something in my lengthy notes that will help:) Good stuff!

At 8:12 on Wednesday, Feb 1, 2012