StoryBoard Tv

IYD INC from Boynton Beach, Fl , USA said:

Hi there Edward. Just finished Pyramid. I was a little concerned about watching a weekly series that centers on a Ponzi scheme, with it being such an unpopular idea. I found the pilot, however, to be better than expected. The dialogue is crisp, the characters well defined, and overall it moves at a decent clip. Just a few remarks below.

First, you will probably want to break up the pilot into ACTS. Choose the structure that works best for you. Four acts, a teaser if you'd like. Either way, break up the acts as commercial breaks. Even though Pay Cable TV has no commercials, most series are built up in that structure.

One little typo area: "FIONA We claim to be have cleaned out
just like everyone else. That way we don’t end up holed up in a
Cayman hotel looking over our shoulder. Total deniability and
insulation."

The time jumps in the beginning are a little confusing. I understand you're setting up the past of your three leads...but the Anthony flashback doesn't fit with the others. Clearly he is meant to be mysterious, and there is more to him than meets the eye...but there might be a better way to introduce them all, and not use the title cards, which make it seem like we're going to be moving all over time.

Last one is that LD's idea concerning "Payback" happens VERY quickly and conveniently...it seems like instead of the scene of him getting rejected by the gentleman for the investment, we should see more of his plan and scheme. One mention of a hacker and he instantly springs forward an entire plan. Or, was he supposed to have already been trying the plan but needed help. I was a little unclear on it. Either way, something specific about Payback needs to have him realize THIS is his key.

All in all it was an enjoyable read, and aside from the opening, very easy to navigated. Well done. If you have a chance, we'd love it if you'd read our pilot, DreamWriters and leave your comments. Thanks!

At 7:35 on Wednesday, Feb 8, 2012