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DreamWriters
Hey guys,
Just read through DreamWriters and was really impressed with the deft storytelling, the ultra-clean style and the comprehensive, realized vision of this super cool world, so congrats! Really fun piece to read and the elements of mystery work well to catalyze interest in your script - particularly the break at the end of act 3.
A few things I noticed that you guys might want to think about on your next comb over: I know you've already gotten the note about clarifying Daniel's stakes (which I think is an important note and could be asked of Lucy's character as well), but I'm more interested in learning about the stakes of this world. Not that your script is much like Inception in any way - although im sure I'm not the first to bring up the comparison - but I do think that film has 2 important plot points that might help boost the energy and tension in this pilot script.
First off, I think we could use some exposition regarding how the rules of this world work. I know you're interested in having the audience play catch up (a good impulse) - and there is a delicate line to toe, like you said below, between revealing too much in your pilot and giving enough to get the audience coming back for more - but my advice would be to throw everything into the pot in this pilot for the purposes of getting backing for your project. Once you get someone interested - fingers crossed - then you can go back and make things more subtle, or pepper some of the exposition into later episodes, but I would make sure not to hold anything back in your pilot because if you're not going to be in the room with people who are reading your stuff (or on an online message board), it's all got to be on the page.
And this brings me back to my point about Inception: I think your script would benefit from having a moment like the many scenes in the film where Ellen Page and Leo trade expository jabs back and forth (I mean, let's be real, that entire movie is exposition). In a traditional drama it may be boring and unnecessary, but because you have 100% control of the rules in your fictional world of Sci-Fi, I think you guys would have fun with making sure that everything is crystal clear to us. You set the table with such interesting elements, that I think defining the rules as clearly as possible will only enrich the depth of your script. Because in your case, I don't think "exposition" should be treated like a bad word, ya know?
The second Inception inspired moment I think you guys are missing is a scene in which we learn not about the stakes of the character, but the stakes of the world itself. We learn about half-way through Inception that if they screw up they could land themselves in Limbo forever and ever and ever - yada yada yada, you guys can come up with better than that - but I want to know specifically what happens in your world if something goes wrong in these dreams. I know you guys have the answer to this question, but I think we need to get more of a hint of the answer in this pilot so we really know what we're getting into come episode 2.
Anyway, just a few thoughts that might or might not help you guys out. But good luck, really enjoyed reading this!
At 9:30 on Sunday, Feb 19, 2012
Blank Page
Hey HandfulOfDust -
Just read through Blank Page and really enjoyed it from beginning to end. I think you have a firm handle on the dynamic between your main characters, and I think the flashbacks and cutaways work extremely well, and are in fact the backbone of your show. I wouldn't tamper too much with them because they give your script vitality and a very specific personality!
Just a few things to note: I think you have a tendency to overwrite some of your jokes, which isn't the worst thing in the world because you're still getting laughs because your writing is naturally funny, but I think you would get more mileage out of trimming some of the fat around your punchlines. For example: you could strike Grayson's "And your rebuttal" line on the bottom of the first page because it drags the story pacing down a bit when the rest is so fresh, or perhaps Ryan's "a pen..." line on page 2 because the sentiment is funny enough without qualifying what a pen is, ya know?
But perhaps the best example is on page 8 where you can probably strike Grayson's "I might have overreacted a bit" line and just go right to Ryan's "I'm gonna go" because you've already shown us that Grayson totally lost his shit over nothing, and there's no need to reiterate it again. Small notes, but take a look throughout your script when you're ready to take another pass at it, and really make sure that you're ending your scenes/jokes on your punchiest lines, and not your more watered down ones. Your laughs are totally there, and trimming the fat a bit will make it really sizzle.
Lastly, if the show is going to be relatively episodic - yes, I know they're trying to win a competition but it seems the adventures are more important that the results, yes? - I want to see where Grayson's arcs might come from, and I want to make sure that the Ryan/Aric line has real direction at the end of the pilot. Yours is an interesting example because instead of going from zero towards a goal like most pilots, yours goes from almost achieving a goal to zero by the end of your pilot. Not that this is a bad thing - in fact, i think it's pretty cool - but just make sure that we know specifically where this show is going to be going in episode two (more so, at least, than Ryan/Aric just starting over).
Anyway, I really enjoyed the script, man. Great stuff.
At 2:02 on Sunday, Feb 19, 2012
Behind Bars - Pilot
Hey Cortney -
Just read through your pilot and thoroughly enjoyed it from beginning to end! I think you have a really strong grasp on dialogue and dialects, and all of your character's voices are distinct, engaging and believable. The characters are all introduced in exciting ways, and even though there are a lot of characters to keep track of, you do an excellent job of breathing new, unique life into all of them so they become impossible to confuse. The teaser, especially, has such a powerful energy to it that really motivates the rest of the action throughout.
My overarching comment (and forgive me for being a bit grandiose) would be that the governing ideology behind your pilot may be a little unclear. I understand that we're supposed to be rolling with S.A's story, and I understand that all of these characters are connected via their city and their involvement in this interesting criminal subsection, but I want to know more about how they are connected thematically. The risk you run by introducing so many different characters from so many different walks of life - even though all the arcs are great - is that things begin to feel a bit convenient at times: relationships, conversations, meetings etc. You have a fun abundance of sex, weed, coke, government, the law, but with so many different elements like that, I would consider going back through and really making sure that it's all earned, justified, and organically interrelated in your next draft.
For example, shows like The Wire or Boardwalk Empire use a similar template in that they introduce a broad spectrum of characters against a shared community or backdrop, and part of the fun and the mystery is finding how everyone's stories are related. But in the cases of those two shows, the characters are all united by a common thematic thread: for the Wire it's that no matter what these characters do - whether they're the cops, thugs, or in between - they're always going to be brought down by the system that created them, and for Boardwalk it's the liquor trade and trying to make it rich in a new era of American history that brings everyone together even when they're coming at it from different angles. Obviously these are two of the best shows ever made, but I think it's always good to take as much as you possibly can from them. Because the one problem with introducing so many debauched (and generally awesome) elements is that it sort of muddies the connection between the characters.
A small note on structure: I'm not sure how important this is, but I think it might be wise to end each act (or at least most of them) on S.A. It's an ensemble piece, yes, but S.A. is our main guy, and his story needs to catalyze everything. Your moments at the end of each act are generally fantastic, but the beat at the end of act 1 is a little weaker.
One last note, I love how distinct and colorful the characters are in terms of ethnicity and background, but I'd be curious to see more indications of status and class in your next draft, because I think it's really important.
Hope these comments made sense! Really engaging stuff here!
At 12:28 on Thursday, Feb 16, 2012
A Boy Like Me
Hey S.J.
Just read through A Boy Like Me and wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed every minute of it. You have a very firm grasp on storytelling, and your deftly paced pilot whips through at an admirable clip - if you can't already tell, I'm jealous of your ability to speed through 58 pages without being bogged down by unnecessary description and indulgent language. Not only was I immediately drawn into the world of your pilot, but I think Jas constitutes an extremely likeable, complex character, who despite her young age can reveal a lot about the world.
Perhaps most impressive are the moments right before your act breaks - maybe the end of act four is the one exception - but all of your acts end on important, emotionally revealing beats that propel the story forward. Your treatment of the Jeremy/Lisa moment at the end of act two is particularly charming, and the end of your teaser is heartbreaking and evocative.
Take this comment with a grain of salt because your script works well as a one-hour drama, but I think it would be interesting to see how this story would mold and take form if formatted to a 30 minute family sitcom model. I'm not suggesting you water the dramatic aspects of your story down at all, but I do think you could weave this story effectively in the shorter form template as well, and it might be an interesting exercise for you to see how the pilot retains its energy - and perhaps takes on new life! - as a half-hour. Like I said, it's not a matter of pacing, because I think your smooth writing (well put, Cortney) is well suited for this format, but I do think your story might be even tighter within the 30 minute format.
Really enjoyed the read, good luck in the competition, and I think this is an important story to share!
At 8:38 on Monday, Feb 20, 2012