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Back In The Van
Hey Eric, I took a look at Back In The Van. It was a good read, so congrats! As a musician who used to be pretty ingrained in the "band world", the subject matter obviously is catered to people like me and I appreciate the authenticity of the characters. Actually, I'd say your strongest skill is that you shy away from any characaturization and you keep everything embedded in a "real" context. That's important in a series like this, because it can be very easy to stray into parody.
Anyways, I'll what I liked and what I didn't:
The Good:
The characters are real, and their voices are distinct. You have a couple of decent gags towards the beginning that aren't too cliched. The dialogue, for the most part, is organic.
Things I'd change:
In comedies utilizing the "footage" mechanic, such as Parks and Rec, The Office, and Modern family, there is a distinct reason why the POV doesn't have an explicit character. I think you can cut out all references to DANIEL specifically, because no one is interested in him. You can take away all the exposition about hmi and just have Brenden be like "the local filmschool is making a documentary." They can still argue about wether or not they do it, but I'd take all references to Daniel out of it.
There's also a dramatic tonal shift in the pilot... nothing in the second half is nearly as funny as the set up provides. I'd work on making the gig-mishap less insane and violent, and think about a comdic situation that would still lead them to be locked outside, because that whole following sequence is kind of fun. Obviously you want to stay away from making it too over the top, but there are a few particularly funny lines at the beginning and then by the end it almost feels like I'm watching somethign different.
On the "Can I change my answer" gag, I think you need to make it more overt. Like, maybe one guy just says "We get a $25 bar tab" prior to Wyatt going into his well-written diatribe to sell the joke more.
one other major note is that you may want to remove your music cues... they are expensive, and those types of decisions need to be left up to the director, not the writer. I understand the Stones one, of course, because it actually plays into the story. But other than that, I'd cut them out.
Really that might sound like a lot of notes, but you've got the foundation and characters down really well, and those are the most important aspects of a show. Hopefully some of this feedback helps you out. Check out DreamWriters if you have a chance, thanks!
At Feb 27, 2012 6:18:31 PM
Center of the Universe: The Newbie Episode
Hey there Alex. There are a few mentions of 30 seconds per page, but that is entirely dependent on the action taking place on each page. What I've read says 26 -35 pages MAX. Easiest way to figure this out is to read your script, allowing pauses for jokes to sink in, taking into account the time it will take to show a cutaway, establishing shots, etc. The few scripts for 30 Rock that I dug up were in the 26 page range.
As for the formatting, that is less up for debate. I have never seen any script where the action beats are in caps. As for the scene letters (A), (B), etc, those look like they are for a shooting script (a script that has been marked for production). Same goes for the cast listings at the head of each scene. Those are elements of a produced script.
That actually ties into one other element, describing things for your reader. A lot of scripts available online are actually adjusted shooting scripts, and may contain elements that are not supposed/allowed to be in a pilot script. While it is ultimately your choice in how you present your script, everything I've read and what the few industry friends I know have told me is to keep all of that out of the script. It's writing that TELLS instead of SHOWS. The dialogue should make it clear what kind of person each character is.
This is in direct opposition to a novel where you're in everyone's head. In the film and tv script world, those descriptions make it look like you can't define the character without having to tell everyone things about them. It's the lesser obvious version of having a character state things about themselves. Just lazy writing.
Please do not take these suggestions personally. I know it sucks to get criticisms, and like I said, we got slammed for ones in a fairly polished version of our script (at least as far as formatting goes). You have to remember that script readers are pouring through TONS of scripts each week. And a lot of times they will make a snap judgement call on a property just based on how it's presented, since there are so many outlets to see how to correctly write things.
Google TV script writing. I don't want to advertise any specific one on here, but there are a lot of great free websites with information on formatting, general rules/suggestions, how to write a treatment, how to write a bible, a one sheet synopses, a log line, a pitch letter, and more.
We've been working on our materials for over 3 years now, and I'm still researching these sites to make sure we have a handle on what, and more importantly, what NOT to do.
At Feb 25, 2012 8:09:13 PM
Center of the Universe: The Newbie Episode
You have a good start here, but there is a good deal of re-writing necessary. The characters seem to have their own voice (careful with A.J...some of his one liner jokes don't come across correctly...I know he's not supposed to be funny, but it's like the punchlines aren't bad punchlines, they just dont' make sense). Alex is probably your best drawn character at the moment. He seems the most consistent at least.
However, before you start to work on the dialogue and the characters, you've got a MUCH bigger task at hand. I don't want to sound harsh, but the sad truth is a lot of script readers (and even a large number of "contestants" on this site won't even look past your first page because of formatting issues, and you have some BIG ones) won't read beyond page 2 because it's not formatted correctly. Last year, several readers refused to read our entire pilot because we had action descriptors that ran longer than 4 lines).
I'll list out some big ones, and please don't take them negatively, just the law of the land as far as scripts go. They need to follow the format.
First, your action descriptors (the moments between dialogue) should not be in caps. The rule of thumb is to keep those paragraphs 4 lines or shorter. Essentially, every new action should be a new paragraph. THe introduction of a character's name (the first time they are DESCRIBED in the action) should be in caps. After that, they can just be named normally (with a captial letter followed by lowercase).
Your pilot should be named just that: Pilot. Nearly all pilots are named this, and giving your episode a name up front gives off the wrong vibe. Center Of The Universe Pilot is fine.
Not sure what the (A) and (B) labels are...scenes? Not necessary. Instead, what you're missing are act breaks. Your show should operate on a 4 act structure (one more than the usual three act film structure). You can also include a teaser and/or tag. A teaser is a short bit that would happen before the credits. A tag is something that takes place after your episode is essentially over. It would likely occur with credits running alongside it. Even if you're writing for pay cable with no commercials, your show should follow this formula: teaser—commercial—Act I—commercial—Act II—
commercial—Act III—commercial—Act IV—commercial—tag.
Your description says this is a half hour show. If you're on a network, that means your actual show time runs 22 minutes. Rule of thumb is that one page of script = one minute of tv. At 47 minutes, you're WAY over. The scripts in this competition seem to run a bit on the long side, so you could probably get away with maybe 30 pages...MAX. Or, change the concept to an hour long, though this feels more like a 30 minute comedy to me.
It might be a preference issue, not sure, but I don't think you need the CUT TO. In the scripts I've read, usually the cut to is used to emphasize a point. Bill: "I would NEVER dress up in a chicken suit." CUT TO: Bill is dressed in a chicken suit.
The Maxwell Hammer description, the spelling out of what CDI stands for should be in paranthesis. That first paragraph is confusing right now, especially since I have never heard of CDI.
Watch for typos...there are some missing commas, apostrophes, and the like.
In your description, you can't include information that is not visible/audible/noticeable to the audience. For example, Rochelle's desgrees. Unless you describe the camera SEEING these degrees, you can't include it in the description because how would the audience know this? The script is not a shooting script, for an actor, it's just the bare bones. None of the description elements can take place off camera or in a character's head.
Also, is there a reason someone with a master's degree is working as a receptionist? This would be a pretty major plot point if that's true. Late twenties, bachelors in business, and a masters in human resources would qualify her WELL beyond a receptionist.
Try also to refrain from directorial suggestions. For example, the security camera moment. The shot of seeing what the camera sees is a directorial decision. Sadly, as writers, we are responsible for simply the words. Anything else is up to the director, the actor, the art department, etc. Script readers do not want to see your stamp. Only include those elements if they are absolutely integral to the plot.
The use of CONTINUOUS is not necessary in some of your uses. It should only be used when continuing the same conversation over several locations. If you change scenes to different characters, it's not continuous. That would make the entire script continuous.
Again, on Debra's description. How does the audience know she's perpetually single? That information needs to come across in the dialogue.
The cable tv cutaway doesn't work, I'd drop it. Also, it doesn't make sense for a different character to reference someone else's cutaway. And when you come out of a cutaway, you should be where you left. You have Debra flashing back, and when we return from the cutaway, they are somewhere else. Using the device need to follow the structure, otherwise it feels like we're skipping too much through time. When you bounce back from one, whoever was thinking of the cutaway moment should be the one to react to it, with the other character left out of the loop. Watch Scrubs and 30 Rock to get an idea of how to do it. The only way for both parties to react to the cut away is if it's a "Remember when we _____" moment, where BOTH characters appear in the cutaway.
What is the Helen moment? Makes no sense. Also, how many receptionists are there? Is she a secretary or receptionist? I've worked for some pretty large companies, and most have a single receptionist with a couple of backups. Just got to where she comes back into the script...that moment needs to be a little clearer. Especially with the abundance of cutaways...it almost feels like a cutaway.
Page 20, who's James? Was A.J. originally called James? Nae pops up out of nowhere. Just noticed a "cast list" at the head of each scene, remove them, they don't belong there. And I see James listed...but he hasn't been introduced to us yet. There needs to be reference to who he is.
Your discussion of Darryl is cute, but not organic. Debra asks about him simply to set up the description. There's no purpose to her asking other than plot. Be careful of those kinds of moments. Your show can be as gag laden as you want, but their still needs to be a flow and a story and the characters need to have motivations outside of furthering the plot.
I'd change the "ya's" to "yeah's".
The cutaway to AJ's date makes no sense. Similar to the cable tv cutaway...there is no punchline, no gag. They are nonsensical. The Firefly one works better...but you really need to make those moments pop because they halt the story, and if they bomb, you've now taken your viewer out of your main storyline, on a journey, to nowhere, and now it's going to be hard to bring them back.
There are a LOT of movie/tv references in just one episode. Goonies, Christmas Story, Firefly, Final Fantasy, Godfather, Gilliam, Gremlins, etc...if there are going to be that many, you need to set up some kind of foundation for one or more of the characters to be interested in those things. A simple movie poster at someone's desk or something. Otherwise they are references just thrown in for reference sake. Also, clearly Alex is a movie nut, so I would think he'd react pretty excitedly to the propsect of the Goonies machine.
I'd lose the F bomb on page 32. I have no problem with language, but you've been PG all the way up to that point, then all of a sudden we get language. Plus, easier to pepper in some adult language after the fact if a cable outlet is interested. Otherwise, keep the widest possible options for networks.
You cut very briefly to too many scenes towards the end. Especially Alex and Rochelle at coffee...which they were seeminlgy seconds before discussing. If we go to see them, we need to spend at least some time there with conversation. Just the establishing shot and then on to a new thought is too jumpy.
Lost the "that's what she said" joke. It's waaaay overused.
Again, I hope I don't come across as harsh. These forums are a great (and I do mean GREAT) forum to get information on crafting a script correctly. I would advise you to google a script from a show you like or that has a similar feel to yours (the below commenter mentioned Better Off Ted which would be a great one) and find a script for an episode. In addition to helping you with formatting, it will also give you an idea of how the dialogue and scenes should flow.
You've got a good premise and a nice start. Keep at it and keep editing. We've been editing one of our pilots for 2 years now, and it only gets better.
At Feb 25, 2012 10:52:34 AM
DreamWriters
Thanks again for the notes, Alex. That's an interesting point you bring up about Leah. It was definitely a conscious decision on our part to put a female in charge of the "grease monkeys". What's interesting is that in the science fiction genre, it's done fairly often. Both Firefly and Battlestar Galactica feature rough and tumble females with an expertise in mechanics (and both of them red heads!).
It's also sad to see the lack of gay characters on TV as well, especially since the few that are there are 99% of the time done as a stunt. We actually have two gay characters in DreamWriters, one of whom you've actually met in the pilot. They are not described as such as it seems odd to me to DEFINE a character with their sexuality. If you define one character as gay, do you define the rest as hetero? Interesting discussion topic.
I'm going to check out Center Of The Universe right now and I'll have some notes up for you shortly. Thanks for the read!
At Feb 25, 2012 9:35:45 AM
DreamWriters
Thanks for the notes, Alex. You mention some interesting points. A lot of the confusion is part of the mystery we're trying to build. Certain serial shows do this. The why/how/what is given out in small doses as part of why you continue to watch.
As for Daniel, maybe it's not clear in the script, but his dismay with being given romance isn't because it's difficult, but the opposite. It would be an actor who's played the lead in several movies all of a sudden being reduced to a bit player in an easy, and forgettable role. Really, the writers at IYD are much like writers in general. Certain genres don't get much respect (ask someone to rate a Michael Chrichton novel against a trashy romance novel with Fabio on the cover and you'll get an idea of what Daniel thinks of his new assignment).
As for Monty, it's important that he talks to Daniel. He's quiet and brooding, and no one can seem to get through to him aside from Daniel.
That's the hard part with a pilot for a series like this. Those questions have answers. Those actions all have a purpose. They just don't all up front. It's not neccessarily a case of the right writing or the wrong writing, but we are treating this series like a novel. Each episode is a chapter of a larger, complete story. In the first chapter of a book, you're not given everything. Usually, you're given defined characters, a situation, and an element that strikes the plot into motion. That's what we hope to do with this pilot.
Again, thank you very much for taking the time to read it and for your notes. While it's in most people's nature to defend, we have incorporated many notes we've been given throughout each re-write. Some in big ways, some in smaller ways. We are very appreciative of your help. So, Thanks!
At Feb 24, 2012 4:50:25 PM
Quarter Life Crisis
Fun pilot. Definitely in the genre of Sunny in Philadelphia, Workaholics, and The League. Darius is your strongest character. Too much repetition with Andy's "Quarter Life Crisis". Nearly every conversation between his friends and him revolves around "I don't know what my purpose is, I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want." In a half hour comedy, that's beyond repetitive. We get his character with just one of those conversations at most.
Most guys I know like these three, they don't have lofty conversations about what they are going to do. They are more concerned with just making it day to day. Future is not a word that concerns them. And these three are far more depraved than most "real people". Guys who'd go selling female condoms to under aged girls are not concerned with conversations about goals and initiative.
Careful with guiding your reader too much in the action descriptors. You definitely do far less of it than a lot of scripts here, but you get close on a couple of moments ("Upon entering his room you get the feeling he's not quite normal"). Don't tell the reader what they are supposed to feel. Describe the scene and let it do the talking. His appearance and room decor are enough to get your point across.
Careful with specific music queues. They are expensive, and a director's choice. Unless the song plays an integral part of the plot (for example, a lyric from a song is referenced by one of the characters and advances the plot), just say that music roars from one of the speakers, and maybe identify a genre. It's the hardest part with scripts. We want to add direction, but that's not what script readers look for. They want to see the blueprint upon which a director can make their mark. We're just the grunt workers. :)
I'd reconsider setting this in Philadelphia. You've already got the similarly themed "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia", and the location doesn't seem especially important to the story. You could really set this in just about any city suburb.
There's a lot of language in this that limits the available broadcasting options you might have. Easy enough to raunch something up should you land on a cable outlet. A lot harder to convince a network that your property could be toned down to fit their standards and practices. Everyone wants to write for cable, because they have quality material, but you don't want to box yourself out of a meeting with a network if at all possible.
The Palin mask is way too convenient as a below comment said. It comes completely out of left field that he would have one. Foreshadow it earlier in the episode somehow.
I assume there will be some reveal behind the "Bro" character's intentions? He's awfully convenient in the pilot and there's no reason behind his character. I think the audience needs some kind of revelation as to why he's interested in this character. Otherwise he's just a deus ex machina that exists to further a plot when you run out of ideas. Give him a little purpose (more fun if his purpose is to ruin Rich...perhaps a grudge from college or something like that...make him the nemesis pretending to be the savior).
Hope the notes help, and good look in the contest! If you have a moment, check out our pilot, DreamWriters.
At Feb 21, 2012 3:48:26 PM
RUSH
Overall a strong start. The juggling of so many characters is going to be a bit difficult, both for you as you write and for the audience to keep up with. Below are more in depth notes.
I might be in the minority, but I had no idea what a Conestoga Wagon was. Might just say COVERED WAGONS. I went and looked it up, but you don't want a reader leaving your script to research something three words in.
Not sure if you should add Flashback. How does the audience know it's a flashback. If they figure it out later in the script, it's not necessary. Just remember, the script is to be read as if it's a viewer watching an episode. Only descirbe things they can SEE in your action beats. If it's not a visible diretion, remove it and find another way to tell the audience. I think you're ok with the girl recognizing the man with the Stetson hat...but even that's skating the line pretty close. Perhaps she starts to say his name and he quiets her?
Lose the "buts". That's more for a novel. All the action should be directives. He walks there. She walks there. They walk there. Etc.
Ok, so we get back to present, and you have a super which means two things. 1) You can lose the Flashback and Present Day add ons. They aren't necessary, because we find out where we are through the script organically as we should. 2) Name Dalton at the beginning. Unless his face is shrouded in the prologue, or we are not meant to know it's him (which is not how it's written), go ahead and name him. Calling a character by "A MAN" or "A FIGURE" should only be used when their identity needs to be masked or hidden, when it's not supposed to be clear to the audience. This goes for the othe two men as well.
As for Dalton snapping out of his memory, he would need to be the first thing we see after the flashback ends, to show that we were just inside HIS head. Going to the Indians first gives us no tie that this past memory was on his mind. Same as above, the audience doesn't have the script.
How does the audience know Easy is an ex-slave? Needs to come out in the dialogue, not in the description.
A lot of flowery writing in your description. Not necessary. It draws attention to you, the writer, instead of serving the function of letting the screenplay do its job. Jeremiah's voice description is less about Jeremiah and more about Jackson Sinde. :) Those elements are fine in a book, but not a medium that will be SEEN and HEARD. Use only the description needed to set up the character, no more. He has a gravelly voice. All you need.
Page 11: "On Caroline, time is the one thing in the world that she don't have too much of." There are a lot of these in each scene, telling the audience what a look on a character's face is. Again, can't tell an audience what look to read on an actor's face. This one is especially perplexing as the grammar is way off.
I'll keep from repeating anymore, but there are increasingly more instances of information contained in the action that are not shown in the script. A cabin that used to oversee the day-to-day operations of the mines. A lot of characters giving looks that mean something. Information being imparted that's impossible to know. In a book, you can be inside the character's heads, but not here. As for how a character should play a look or a scene, that's up to the actor and the director. Readers want to see merely the story. What we will see and here. Any additional information either needs to be contained in the dialogue, or suggested through subtext of the dialogue. This is the hardest part of writing, and we struggled with it as well. But that's how the rules go. Unless it specifically impacts a MAJOR plot point, no camera angles should be used. Line reading suggestions should only be used in a case where the line could be read in two ways, and it's important that it be read in one way.
With a period piece, you have to be sure you've done exhaustive research. Those who really enjoy watching most period pieces know the era, and will spot inconsistencies and anacrhonisms quickly and harshly. I don't know this time frame, so you may have nailed it, but be sure that accents would be as you have them (did the version of a "Brooklyn" accent as we know it exist that way in this time period?). Do the speech patterns match? Just make sure you've done as much research as you can, especially in the way that characters speak.
The introduction of the St. James family. Another big question for how the audience will know who that is. Especially with so many diverging storylines and characters, the audience has to see in the pilot how they are all going to meet together at some point. Those connections need to be clear as soon as possible.
The use of language in your pilot isntantly pigeon holes you for a pay cable outlet. Motherfu$%ers won't pass even on basic cable like AMC or FX, where you can have SOME swearing. The language is also not necessary or integral to the plot. I'd lose it and open up your opportunities for more outlets to produce the show. Nothing in the pilot exists in a way that couldn't be shown on entwork tv, and no matter what you think of network vs cable, you need to have a show that's available to the widest number of outlets. Sure, we all would love to CHOOSE where a show winds up, but shooting for pay cable exclusively is a pretty limiting goal.
"His two children from his first marriage". Again, more detail that the audience can't know. The relationships happen several times in the script. You describe a character and their relationship to others "Wife, son, sister, father, etc". All of those need to be divulged in dialogue not description. This isn't a shooting script. Your character roster is not there for actors. This is the basic blueprint. If a character is related to another, and it's important to know so in the pilot, make it clear through dialogue. Yeah, it's going to be more stilted, that's just the nature of the beast. That's the writer's job, to come up with creative ways to impart that information in a way that seems natural.
I would like to see more acknowledgment from Arthur about his ordeal. Sure, it looks like he's capitalizing on the tragedy to make himself a celebrity, but it'd make him a rounder character if there was some sadness or realization of what happened underneath the hand shakes and smiles.
Again, you are juggling a LOT of characters. And the connections are a little hazy. We can clearly see where Caroline's story is going and the revelation of her husband is obvious, but in a good way. That connection is working fine. The connection with the slave ship isn't. It pulls us out of the story each time. There needs to be some tie in in the pilot, even if you were to hold back once you actually produced the show. We need to see how that story is going to intersect with our main one. If it's there, I didn't see it, but that's also because we have about FOURTY SIX speaking characters by my count. That is a MASSIVE cast for one episode of introductions. It was definitely a chore to keep track of everyone, especially with new characters being introduced every few pages.
At Feb 21, 2012 12:18:46 PM
DreamWriters
Thanks for the great feedback, Jacksonsinder! We actually have added a lot more in for the pilot than we originally intended (including revealing that IYD is not on Earth). Each draft we let a little more be known.
It's kind of our ongoing debate of throwing a TON into the pilot and sending it out, and having a reader think "Fun...but now where do they go, so much has been told to us." VS "Fun...but I'm a little lost, I want to know more." We've always erred on the side that most of the "complaints" on our pilot seem to be "I want to know more." That's kind of our goal, to make the viewer want to come back to know more.
What's funny is that we do actually give out the two big pieces of information that you mention below within the first few episodes of season one. Both rules, and stakes are shown pretty dramatically. I think we just like saving those items for later and trusting that the audience will understand enough of what's going on to enjoy the show until those answers are metered out.
The one note we are definitely working on is the stakes for Daniel and Lucy. Again, we have to tread lightly as both characters have some big revelations that we don't want to share TOO soon. Always hate making the LOST comparison, as it was lightning in a bottle, or Twin Peaks, but those are two shows that gave you VERY little at the start. They were more about building up the characters before they began delving into the what/where/when's.
Gonna take a look at RUSH right now, looking forward to it. I know a lot of folks are looking for something to fill Deadwood's void.
At Feb 20, 2012 10:55:31 AM
Merch Girl
Hey Elise,
I took a look at Merch Girl. It's really funny, and actually quite realistic when it comes to the personalities. From a guy who spent a lot of time in the "band scene" and was the lead singer of three different groups at different times, I can say with experience that you certainly have a knack for those voices, and for making the dialogue fun without going too over the top or degenerating into cliche.
The writing is nice and fluid, too. And I differ in opinion from dsc1223... I think the physical comedy and "banter-centric" comedy is really strong, sort of along the lines of Parks and Rec, only regarding a different sector of life, of course.
The only note that I have is that I feel like there's a scene missing in there somewhere. It might be good to throw in another scene from "home" somewhere in the middle.
Oh, and awesome job with the lyrics. I was literally laughing out loud at those, and that is not an easy feat. Of course, you're playing to your target demographic here.
Altogether great stuff. Probably the most well0-realized script (based off concept vs. execution) that I've read in this competition yet.
At Feb 17, 2012 5:50:54 PM
DreamWriters
Thanks Cortney. A lot of those notes are benefits we received in this competition last year. The criticism is not always fun to hear, but in truth, it's made our script much better, and knowing all those "DON'TS" going into a re-write can make all the difference.
At Feb 16, 2012 5:09:11 PM
Behind Bars - Pilot
Cortney,
Thanks so much for your comments on DreamWriters. I took a gander at your pilot script here and I have some notes. Because I'm better if I compartmentalize my criticisms, I'll break it down to what I thought was good and what I had concerns with...
The good:
You have an obvious knack for writing about the criminal underbelly. The seediest scenes and characters don't feel forced or cliched, which is something very cool. Also, most of the characters have a distinct enough voice to set them apart. I can tell you know each of these personalities like the back of your hand, so the dialogue feels nice and organic. You've also got a couple of standout scenes that really work well. The opening of the pilot is fun and interesting, and the teaser at the end of the episode is especially good and really makes you want to figure out what happened to the body. Plus your character development for S.A. is good. You get a distinct impression of his role in this world and he becomes a character you want to follow.
Concerns:
I'll try to remain as constructive as possible, but there are a few major issues I had. First off, repeat after me: Lenny, Mary, Billy, Gabby, Jimmy, Sandy, Cholly, Yanni, Tommy, Daphne, Nikki. The characters run together almost exclusively because of their names. I'd change almost all of them, or shorten them to something a little more identifiable. Multiple times I had to backread to figure out which character it actually was in the scene, and that is not a good thing if you try to pitch the show. I'd also try to cut down your characters by about 1/3. I understand that they all have a role in the series progression, but that doesn't mean you have to force scenes into the pilot to introduce them. I understand that this is an ensemble piece, but even in the best ones currently on air they still only introduce 10-20 characters in the pilot and we're really only following a couple of them. I agree with jacsonsinder that you should make S.A. the throughline and really try to focus the piece around him even more than it already is.
The biggest criticism I have is one that I have faced many times myself. It is imperative that you don't write things like this:
"The sex was good but business is
business. When the weed is discovered, he knows it will make
a great scandal and an excellent argument for the
legalization of marijuana, when one of the nation’s leading
protestors gets busted for trafficking it."
You cannot tell the reader what they are supposed to be thinking. You need to write in directives. An audience will either implicitly pick up on these subtexts or they won't, but that type of writing belongs in a novel. Write action and dialogue; only what the characters are physically doing and saying. Let the reader/audience connect the dots from there. Yeah, you can embellish a bit here and there for reader effect, but there are multiple times where you state your character's motivation without worrying about what they are actually doing. That type of writing will get you killed if you pitch or try to sell it.
Anyways, it's a good effort and I hope my notes prove useful!
At Feb 16, 2012 12:33:28 PM
DreamWriters
Thank you for the kind words, Cortney. We know we're juggling a large number of characters on the IYD side of things. They all wind up having a fairly big impact as the season wears on. I actually find that I have trouble with that when I'm reading a script, but not as much when I have a face to go with the name. Hopefully it won't be too much for viewers.
Lucy is our main Earthbound character. However, we will see a lot of other people's dreams as well. Our plan is to open each episode with a new dream written by a different DreamWriter.
We'll take a look at Behind Bars by the end of the week. Looking forward to reading it.
At Feb 16, 2012 10:30:39 AM
Summer's Lane
I tried to make it all the way through this, but unfortunately there are so many typos and formatting issues that I only made it about the first 20 pages in. Below are some scene by scene notes on those pages. You need a complete overhaul of this one before anyone is likely to read and complete it.
The logline idea has potential and is interesting, I just wish I could have made it even that far in the script. Sadly, most of the readers on here are even harder on that stuff than me. Likely they are looking at the first page and not reading any further. A re-write will be necessary to even get readers to read and them comment.
You'll want a title page for your script. This should contain the name of the series, the name of the episode (which for a pilot should always be PILOT), your name, your contact info, and your WGA and Copyright information.
You HAVE to break up your description blocks SEVERELY. We got slammed for a similar formatting error, though we only had 4 lines or so together. Even with that, several readers told us they just stopped reading because it wasn't correct.
Yours contains far longer blocks of text (13 and 14 lines!) Just looking at the page is a challenge. First step is if you go to a new paragraph, there needs to be a line break (example: Page 1, a line break needs to be inserted between the line ending with "beautiful." and the line beginning with "SISTER MARGARET".) A good rule of thumb is to add a line break and new paragraph whenever there is a new course of action or description. I'd make this set of changes (which will permeate your entire script) ASAP. If folks weren't reading past the first 4 pages of our script, they won't even touch yours. Harsh, but sadly true. Formatting errors seem to stop people in their tracks.
Describe Father Leo's age range in his introduction, and instead of telling us his back hurts, SHOW us. "FATHER LEO, a slender man in his early thirties, bends down to pick up the paper, with stiff discomfort" or something similar. Also, don't tell us he sees something if WE can see something. An example, "The newspaper headline reads PEACE, LOVE and WAR".
Lose "a reflection of the times". If an audience can't SEE/HEAR something, you can't include it in your action. It has to be shown other than you telling us. Remember, the audience will not have a script, anything that is not VISIBLE has to be removed.
Revise the two sentences describing Mariana. They are grammatically incorrect. Also, YOUNG WOMAN should not be in CAPS, just her name. In fact, once the character has a name, she should be addressed thusly. So, SISTER MARGARET will see Mariana, not "the young woman".
The entire paragraph with Father Leo is inside his head. There's no way the audience can SEE half of what you describe. It's not the right coin? How does an audience know that? Also, there's no indication that we've changed time frames. You need to indicate that we're not in the same time frame as the scene just before this. I'd suggest adding a super, or text on the screen, telling us what year it is and where we are. This goes for the entire script. The skips through time are frequent and confusing. Especially since you're traveling to different character's pasts and time frames. This is more a structure problem as well since you don't want a label every time you skip since you do it so much.
The introduction of any new character should have their name in ALL CAPS.
I won't do this for each instance, because nearly your entire script has this problem...but you continue to repeat the above several mistakes through every single scene. You need to rework everything. It's a task to read through this and keep track of everything. Also, once you add in all the spaces and everything you need to do, your page count is going to be on the high side. For an hour long, you should be sitting comfortably around 55 pages or so.
Each Act needs to be separated by a page break. End teaser, then begin the next act on the next page.
Lose the "clever" descriptions. You don't want to draw attention to your descriptions or your writing, just to your dialogue. The 18 holes line is a clear example. It's trying to be cute at expense of getting through the script. The line draws attention to YOU, not to the character you're describing.
The same goes for any kind of direction, camera shots, etc. Those are choices left to a director. They will decide how things should be shot and presented, that's not left to the writer. A reader wants to see the blueprint for an episode. You want to steer clear, for the most part, unless it's INTEGRAL to the plot, from camera angles, shot design, music choices, line readings, and the like. Leave that to the people responsible: the director, actors, etc.
There seem to be lines that look smooshed together. If you didn't use a screenwriting software to format this, you're going to want to use one to re-write it. CelTx is free and you won't need anything else.
A LOT of typos in the script, all over the place. You need a long proofreading session. Reading out loud will also help make sure your sentences make sense.
More and more inside the character's heads. This is written like a book, where you can do that. You can't in a screenplay/teleplay. Jake looks at the coins and knows that he stole wishes? How do we as an audience know that? We don't. We can't.
At Feb 15, 2012 5:48:34 PM
DreamWriters
We'll definitely take a look at Summer's Lane. Thanks for your input.
That's an interesting note to see the implications of tampering. We kind of held back on it as we have it planned for a mid-first season episode. We wanted to give just a taste of everything in the pilot, but not too much so we would have places to go/questions to answer as we went along. We've been adding a little more in each re-write. Before you know it, we're going to tell you EVERYTHING. :) Heheh
Look for our notes on Summer's Lane later this week. Thanks again for reading!
At Feb 13, 2012 6:55:41 PM
Gentlemonsters
Individual Notes:
The Beasts should be described before you have the first one speak. The line about their voices should read "sound like". Also, identify that there are two beasts, one male, one female.
Lose the "You'd never know that it's LA." Everything in your action descriptions needs to be able to been seen or heard by your audience. Anything else is either extraneous, or unable to be shown. Script readers will be picky about these things. Same as "is that a knife"?
Took me a bit to realize CU was for close-up. You might want to spell it out. Or, remove that line alltogether as it's a direction note. Hardest thing I had to learn in writing is to leave all comments about direction, camera shots, angles, etc, out of a script. Rule of thumb is to ask yourself if that would be handled by someone other than the writer. Is it a wardrobe choice, or camera angle, or song choice that is not integral to the plot? Leave it out.
What is a nock? Like a notch?
Jelena's description says she's intelligent. How do you show that to the audience? Show it through action or dialogue.
Again, lose "God, he is head over heels for her." If you're going to include direction like that, you at least want to pair it down to "He watches her exit with a wistful gaze". SHOW don't TELL.
More of the same "Has a lot on her mind". Lose all of those.
"hummingbird like wings" instead of "like hummingbird wings"
Why are there more more monsters in LA? Didn't understand Tyra's blanket statement.
Kumiho...should it be capitalized? Like Cupid? And the other monsters?
Cute touch with the feathers coming out of Alvin's ears.
Lose "things just got serious".
Lost the "Blink Blink"'s.
Overall this was a fun read. Good timing with Grimm and Once Upon a Time gaining popularity. The premise is fun, and the characters are well drawn. Just be careful of writing that draws too much attention to itself, especially if it happens outside the dialogue. Save your best stuff for the dialogue.
There are some nice touches throughout. The mob singing of love songs is a great gag. The characters are well defined and each have a unique personality. Donald eating the Cupid is a nice touch, and while the joking about it afterward is funny, you could lose one or two...it starts to get beat into the ground a bit.
Only other concern is Flame's ability. It's a little unsettling (and that's coming from someone totally ok with the eating of the Cupid). It's just an awkward ability to show. Think if there's anything else she might do to similar effect (I suppose keep the healing ability...it's a bit of a crutch...a "get out of jail free" card for anytime someone's injured...but for that reason it gets you out of a lot of jams, even if it's overplayed).
This last note is going to sound a little sexist...but the beasts and the reveal. It caught me off guard that one of the beasts was female (and I gave you that above note). Once you described Beth and Levi, I knew at once they were the beasts and Ball was the mysterious figure. I think it was because I wasn't expecting Ball to have a female security guard. I know that's a bit sexist, but once you introduce bickering beasts and their boss, and then have a male and female enforcer, and their boss...you can see the reveal coming a mile away. See if there's a way around that.
All in all, it was an enjoyable read, and with a little polishing, can be ready to go. If you have a moment, check out our script, DreamWriters. We'd love your thoughts.
At Feb 13, 2012 5:52:02 PM
The Belt
Any time, John. It's a great first draft, and you've got a lot to be proud of in it. Hopefully you make it to round two, and we'll get to see a second draft.
At Feb 13, 2012 12:45:36 PM
The Belt
The Belt:
Overall I enjoyed the script very much. There are some definite thins to work on, but I enjoyed the dialogue, and you did a great job paying tribute to the subject matter. Below are notes/suggestions.
The majority of pilots don't have a name, they are just titled pilot. It would likely be a network's choice to name a pilot if they so deemed, so lost the Psalms 57. Same goes for the cast listing and the location listing. Those are great in a treatment, or in a shooting script, but not a pilot. Besides, once you put an actor in the reader's mind, you instantly influence them, and that influence can be negative (what if I was not a Mehki Pfeiffer fan...I'm not going to bring that dislike into the script and the character).
Your opening text is VERY long. It needs to be shortened. In fact, you could easily use just the second part, but also trim that one as well. I hate to advise narration EVER as it's a crutch, but that might serve better as well. Just remember, those words are the first thing your audience will see in the show and the first thing a script reader will read. Will they read it all or just dismiss and move on to something else?
I hate giving this note, as I've done it on every script I've read in this competition, but it was a note we were reminded of last year, and it's EXTREMELY important. Your action/description elements CAN NOT include information the viewer does not have. "Severl hours earlier this church"...that can't appear. Because the audience can't see it. It never happened for them. In addition, hyperbole in descriptions is also a way to lose your reader. "The sight is enough to bring anyone to their knees". Not necessary. Boil it down to something simpler, that gets the point across. In fact, you can lose that entire paragraph from "the sight" to "speaks volumes." All that information is covered in the 1st decription.
Almost think the sex scandal could be reserved for a reveal later on. Would be interesting if they secretly wanted the heat on the tax scandal to cover up the sex one...just a thought. In any event, the pilot is a bit on the long side (if you're on a network, you've got 42 minutes which is roughly 50-55 pages at MOST and even then, pushing it. At 70 pages, you're long even for a show without commercials.
Give less specific ages...a range works better "late 30's, mid 20's, early 50's".
I'd go a little more into "the calling". I grew up Luthern and once upon a time was curious about entering the ministry, but never got "the calling". I know what that is, but your audience might not, even that 51% of protestant church goers. Heheh
You can lose "END DREAM SEQUENCE"
The costume description for Chastity (and actually her name for that matter) are a bit too much. The rest of your script stays away from the easy cliched ideas, these two could be excluded for great affect.
I think Elizabeth might be closer in age to Saul. Maybe not, but most pastors and wives I've met are close in age. Then again, if the age disparity has a purpose down the road, disregard. Also, won't mention it again, but the description of Elizabeth's dress...how would you show that...that it's for a ball long passed. I get what you're going for, but just re-read the script and find any moment that can't be SHOWN to the audience, and remove/rework it.
Theadore instead of the traditional spelling, Theodore. On purpose?
Another note on the names...I get the biblical references...but it's a bit much with EVERY character having such a pointed name. How many 16 year old Esthers have you met? And the hyphenated last name...it's like you're trying to squeeze too many traits into the character's names. Aphton is a bit much too. Especially with Solomon-Clare, at least in the descriptions, shorten it like the reporter does, to simply Solomon. I get that it ties into the Irish Catholic/Protestant "mixed marriage", but all the names are too too much.
Again with Esther's clothing. First problem, licensing all those references would cost a fortune. You've hit film, tv, and theatre all in the first 8 pages. Script readers want to see as little of the PRODUCTION as possible. A good rule of thumb is to think about what would be a job for someone else in producing this. Director's choices, wardrobe choices, etc. Unless it's absolutely integral to the plot, you want to refrain from giving camera shots, music queues and the like.
Adam's description...again, too inside the character's head. "His boyish looks betray his confidence" needs to be shown in his actions, not told in description. It's a tough line to tow, believe me, we had the same problems, but it will make your script stronger in the long run.
Page 9 "its" not "it's".
Aphton's description, again, too inside her head.
Who is saying "Hell will follow!" on page 11?
Typos increasing between pages 18-22, as well as some more descriptions inside character's heads.
Elizabeth's line about sounding Jewish is kind of crowbarred in. I think you can make the same point, just word it a little differently. Then you've got the Catholic jab a couple lines later. One or the other will suffice...otherwise it becomes almost slapsticky.
The splitting up of Maryann's flashback is a little odd...without coming back to present day first after you've gone to another scene, it's an odd transition/continuation.
Noah...I get the idea of the biblical names, I really do, but each subsequent one becomes more like caricature. This is a real world situation...not every named character can be THAt biblical...even if the name suits their character traits and story. And, it's almost like you've gone out of your way to make them REALLY biblical names instead of everyday judeo-christian names: Mark, Matthew, etc.
Caleb and Adam's first meeting should be a little lengthier...or at least accomplish more over some additional dialogue. It feels like all the barbs/viewpoints are jammed into just a couple of lines and then the scene ends abruptly.
It's a little unbelieveable that Caleb's running for Mayor catches Adam off guard...the set up for the talk show doesn't feel like a set up at all.
Careful on it's VS its...Page 56.
Last thing is that I would like more between Caleb and Adam. Each time they get close, the scene ends. In fact, with everything going on in this pilot, the focus should be more on the two of them. The family stories are important, but they could be built out over more episodes. The central conflict here is clearly CALEB V ADAM...that needs to have more of a basis right away. Plus, there is a ton of potential for crackling dialogue ebtween the two "same side" different viewpoints.
I hope these notes don't seem too hard. I really enjoyed it a great deal. I think you have some great potential with this after some tweaking. Also, without losing your scenes, you could expand and make this two episodes, or a two hour pilot. I have a feeling trimming down 15 pages will be harder than you think (I would start, however, by removing the scene in the restaurant with Adam, his mother, and the reporter...it takes us nowhere and we know no more after that scene than we did before).
At Feb 10, 2012 5:35:32 PM
DreamWriters
Mark, thank you so much for your kind words. We appreciate you reading the script and we're glad to hear you enjoyed it. We'll let you know as we continue to tweak the script in case you want to see some of the changes we'll be making. We're about 95% on our way to a final draft (a number that keeps changing each time we pull the script back out). We also have another episode which would act as the season 1 finale. Good luck with your script. There are some great websites where you can download scripts of existing shows. For you, I'd suggest Scrubs to get a handle on how to do the voice over. First time out of the gate is always tough. But don't give up.
At Feb 10, 2012 12:07:05 AM
DreamWriters
Thanks for the notes, Eric! That typo is one of those that we've clipped in other versions, then accidentally made its way back in. Thanks for pointing it out!
Lucy calling John's place a "flat" is actually on purpose. As we learn more about Lucy's character in future episodes (and especially her father), there's a large tie in to the UK. Nice catch!
We'll definitely look into the names. Mort was a late edition to the cast, and didn't appear enough that we thought it was a problem, but clearly it is. As for Lex and Leah, we hoped they were so different in personalities (everyone HATES Lex..heh), that it wouldn't be confusing. However, in the cafeteria scene, I can definitely see it being difficult to navigate through everyone there.
That's an excellent note about adding some "business" to the opening IYD scene and the cafeteria. Definitely something for us to think about. What's funny is that we've been told we have too LITTLE exposition...even with those scenes! :)
Really appreciate the notes (especially livening up the action in the two long scenes). I think those are some great suggestions.
Good luck in the competition!
At Feb 28, 2012 11:38:55 AM