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Overall a strong start. The juggling of so many characters is going to be a bit difficult, both for you as you write and for the audience to keep up with. Below are more in depth notes.
I might be in the minority, but I had no idea what a Conestoga Wagon was. Might just say COVERED WAGONS. I went and looked it up, but you don't want a reader leaving your script to research something three words in.
Not sure if you should add Flashback. How does the audience know it's a flashback. If they figure it out later in the script, it's not necessary. Just remember, the script is to be read as if it's a viewer watching an episode. Only descirbe things they can SEE in your action beats. If it's not a visible diretion, remove it and find another way to tell the audience. I think you're ok with the girl recognizing the man with the Stetson hat...but even that's skating the line pretty close. Perhaps she starts to say his name and he quiets her?
Lose the "buts". That's more for a novel. All the action should be directives. He walks there. She walks there. They walk there. Etc.
Ok, so we get back to present, and you have a super which means two things. 1) You can lose the Flashback and Present Day add ons. They aren't necessary, because we find out where we are through the script organically as we should. 2) Name Dalton at the beginning. Unless his face is shrouded in the prologue, or we are not meant to know it's him (which is not how it's written), go ahead and name him. Calling a character by "A MAN" or "A FIGURE" should only be used when their identity needs to be masked or hidden, when it's not supposed to be clear to the audience. This goes for the othe two men as well.
As for Dalton snapping out of his memory, he would need to be the first thing we see after the flashback ends, to show that we were just inside HIS head. Going to the Indians first gives us no tie that this past memory was on his mind. Same as above, the audience doesn't have the script.
How does the audience know Easy is an ex-slave? Needs to come out in the dialogue, not in the description.
A lot of flowery writing in your description. Not necessary. It draws attention to you, the writer, instead of serving the function of letting the screenplay do its job. Jeremiah's voice description is less about Jeremiah and more about Jackson Sinde. :) Those elements are fine in a book, but not a medium that will be SEEN and HEARD. Use only the description needed to set up the character, no more. He has a gravelly voice. All you need.
Page 11: "On Caroline, time is the one thing in the world that she don't have too much of." There are a lot of these in each scene, telling the audience what a look on a character's face is. Again, can't tell an audience what look to read on an actor's face. This one is especially perplexing as the grammar is way off.
I'll keep from repeating anymore, but there are increasingly more instances of information contained in the action that are not shown in the script. A cabin that used to oversee the day-to-day operations of the mines. A lot of characters giving looks that mean something. Information being imparted that's impossible to know. In a book, you can be inside the character's heads, but not here. As for how a character should play a look or a scene, that's up to the actor and the director. Readers want to see merely the story. What we will see and here. Any additional information either needs to be contained in the dialogue, or suggested through subtext of the dialogue. This is the hardest part of writing, and we struggled with it as well. But that's how the rules go. Unless it specifically impacts a MAJOR plot point, no camera angles should be used. Line reading suggestions should only be used in a case where the line could be read in two ways, and it's important that it be read in one way.
With a period piece, you have to be sure you've done exhaustive research. Those who really enjoy watching most period pieces know the era, and will spot inconsistencies and anacrhonisms quickly and harshly. I don't know this time frame, so you may have nailed it, but be sure that accents would be as you have them (did the version of a "Brooklyn" accent as we know it exist that way in this time period?). Do the speech patterns match? Just make sure you've done as much research as you can, especially in the way that characters speak.
The introduction of the St. James family. Another big question for how the audience will know who that is. Especially with so many diverging storylines and characters, the audience has to see in the pilot how they are all going to meet together at some point. Those connections need to be clear as soon as possible.
The use of language in your pilot isntantly pigeon holes you for a pay cable outlet. Motherfu$%ers won't pass even on basic cable like AMC or FX, where you can have SOME swearing. The language is also not necessary or integral to the plot. I'd lose it and open up your opportunities for more outlets to produce the show. Nothing in the pilot exists in a way that couldn't be shown on entwork tv, and no matter what you think of network vs cable, you need to have a show that's available to the widest number of outlets. Sure, we all would love to CHOOSE where a show winds up, but shooting for pay cable exclusively is a pretty limiting goal.
"His two children from his first marriage". Again, more detail that the audience can't know. The relationships happen several times in the script. You describe a character and their relationship to others "Wife, son, sister, father, etc". All of those need to be divulged in dialogue not description. This isn't a shooting script. Your character roster is not there for actors. This is the basic blueprint. If a character is related to another, and it's important to know so in the pilot, make it clear through dialogue. Yeah, it's going to be more stilted, that's just the nature of the beast. That's the writer's job, to come up with creative ways to impart that information in a way that seems natural.
I would like to see more acknowledgment from Arthur about his ordeal. Sure, it looks like he's capitalizing on the tragedy to make himself a celebrity, but it'd make him a rounder character if there was some sadness or realization of what happened underneath the hand shakes and smiles.
Again, you are juggling a LOT of characters. And the connections are a little hazy. We can clearly see where Caroline's story is going and the revelation of her husband is obvious, but in a good way. That connection is working fine. The connection with the slave ship isn't. It pulls us out of the story each time. There needs to be some tie in in the pilot, even if you were to hold back once you actually produced the show. We need to see how that story is going to intersect with our main one. If it's there, I didn't see it, but that's also because we have about FOURTY SIX speaking characters by my count. That is a MASSIVE cast for one episode of introductions. It was definitely a chore to keep track of everyone, especially with new characters being introduced every few pages.
At 12:18 on Tuesday, Feb 21, 2012
DreamWriters
Thanks for the great feedback, Jacksonsinder! We actually have added a lot more in for the pilot than we originally intended (including revealing that IYD is not on Earth). Each draft we let a little more be known.
It's kind of our ongoing debate of throwing a TON into the pilot and sending it out, and having a reader think "Fun...but now where do they go, so much has been told to us." VS "Fun...but I'm a little lost, I want to know more." We've always erred on the side that most of the "complaints" on our pilot seem to be "I want to know more." That's kind of our goal, to make the viewer want to come back to know more.
What's funny is that we do actually give out the two big pieces of information that you mention below within the first few episodes of season one. Both rules, and stakes are shown pretty dramatically. I think we just like saving those items for later and trusting that the audience will understand enough of what's going on to enjoy the show until those answers are metered out.
The one note we are definitely working on is the stakes for Daniel and Lucy. Again, we have to tread lightly as both characters have some big revelations that we don't want to share TOO soon. Always hate making the LOST comparison, as it was lightning in a bottle, or Twin Peaks, but those are two shows that gave you VERY little at the start. They were more about building up the characters before they began delving into the what/where/when's.
Gonna take a look at RUSH right now, looking forward to it. I know a lot of folks are looking for something to fill Deadwood's void.
At 10:55 on Monday, Feb 20, 2012
Merch Girl
Hey Elise,
I took a look at Merch Girl. It's really funny, and actually quite realistic when it comes to the personalities. From a guy who spent a lot of time in the "band scene" and was the lead singer of three different groups at different times, I can say with experience that you certainly have a knack for those voices, and for making the dialogue fun without going too over the top or degenerating into cliche.
The writing is nice and fluid, too. And I differ in opinion from dsc1223... I think the physical comedy and "banter-centric" comedy is really strong, sort of along the lines of Parks and Rec, only regarding a different sector of life, of course.
The only note that I have is that I feel like there's a scene missing in there somewhere. It might be good to throw in another scene from "home" somewhere in the middle.
Oh, and awesome job with the lyrics. I was literally laughing out loud at those, and that is not an easy feat. Of course, you're playing to your target demographic here.
Altogether great stuff. Probably the most well0-realized script (based off concept vs. execution) that I've read in this competition yet.
At 5:50 on Friday, Feb 17, 2012
DreamWriters
Thanks Cortney. A lot of those notes are benefits we received in this competition last year. The criticism is not always fun to hear, but in truth, it's made our script much better, and knowing all those "DON'TS" going into a re-write can make all the difference.
At 5:09 on Thursday, Feb 16, 2012
Quarter Life Crisis
Fun pilot. Definitely in the genre of Sunny in Philadelphia, Workaholics, and The League. Darius is your strongest character. Too much repetition with Andy's "Quarter Life Crisis". Nearly every conversation between his friends and him revolves around "I don't know what my purpose is, I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want." In a half hour comedy, that's beyond repetitive. We get his character with just one of those conversations at most.
Most guys I know like these three, they don't have lofty conversations about what they are going to do. They are more concerned with just making it day to day. Future is not a word that concerns them. And these three are far more depraved than most "real people". Guys who'd go selling female condoms to under aged girls are not concerned with conversations about goals and initiative.
Careful with guiding your reader too much in the action descriptors. You definitely do far less of it than a lot of scripts here, but you get close on a couple of moments ("Upon entering his room you get the feeling he's not quite normal"). Don't tell the reader what they are supposed to feel. Describe the scene and let it do the talking. His appearance and room decor are enough to get your point across.
Careful with specific music queues. They are expensive, and a director's choice. Unless the song plays an integral part of the plot (for example, a lyric from a song is referenced by one of the characters and advances the plot), just say that music roars from one of the speakers, and maybe identify a genre. It's the hardest part with scripts. We want to add direction, but that's not what script readers look for. They want to see the blueprint upon which a director can make their mark. We're just the grunt workers. :)
I'd reconsider setting this in Philadelphia. You've already got the similarly themed "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia", and the location doesn't seem especially important to the story. You could really set this in just about any city suburb.
There's a lot of language in this that limits the available broadcasting options you might have. Easy enough to raunch something up should you land on a cable outlet. A lot harder to convince a network that your property could be toned down to fit their standards and practices. Everyone wants to write for cable, because they have quality material, but you don't want to box yourself out of a meeting with a network if at all possible.
The Palin mask is way too convenient as a below comment said. It comes completely out of left field that he would have one. Foreshadow it earlier in the episode somehow.
I assume there will be some reveal behind the "Bro" character's intentions? He's awfully convenient in the pilot and there's no reason behind his character. I think the audience needs some kind of revelation as to why he's interested in this character. Otherwise he's just a deus ex machina that exists to further a plot when you run out of ideas. Give him a little purpose (more fun if his purpose is to ruin Rich...perhaps a grudge from college or something like that...make him the nemesis pretending to be the savior).
Hope the notes help, and good look in the contest! If you have a moment, check out our pilot, DreamWriters.
At 3:48 on Tuesday, Feb 21, 2012