Latest comments
Intake
Thanks so much for your comments John and Serita, I really appreciate your criticisms and thoughts on how to improve the pilot script! Thanks for the suggestions on formatting, and keeping the work sparse. I'll be sure to correct them as I continue to improve the work. Thanks for the suggestions on improving the story arc and character dynamic, I've been wanting some thoughts on how to make the characters a little deeper in the first episode. Again, thanks for your help, and keep the comments coming!
At 10:09 on Wednesday, Feb 8, 2012
The Belt
Hi, John Arthur, thanks for giving me the chance to read "The Belt." I was initially drawn to the script as the subject matter seemed fairly original. I think it's a great start for your story and could work fairly well if you have a season arch in mind.
I'd say your knowledge of the subject matter and setting is probably your greatest strength. It's clear that you know what you're talking about as you've painted the general southern/midwest Baptist culture pretty accurately, right down to the inclusion of bible names and Amy Grant. That being said, the specificity of the setting could turn off viewers...but that's not your problem. Good work there.
Secondly, why does Adam take the job? Actually, why was he chosen for the position if he hasn't set foot in a church in so long? Is it his loyalty to Teddy or something else? In my opinion, I think you could create a larger pay off for the audience by amplifying Adam's hesitance/ambivalence about becoming a pastor. I think it could make Adam's sermon much more meaningful as he chooses THAT particular moment, after a raging storm, to undertake the burden of flock leader. Up until that point Adam seems to have doubts, but generally seems to go with what's given to him.
Also, while I understand that you're attempting to insert political and social commentary re: liberal/conservative, I think you do the pilot a little disservice by spelling it out for the audience by referencing Obama, "hippies", and "tolerance" via the exchange with Adam and Caleb. Without a doubt, there are individuals who share Caleb's beliefs, but I'd much rather see them "actionized" as opposed to expressed through dialogue. Also, it might help to round out Caleb and Adam's characters by making them less stereotypical of political platforms. Otherwise you run the risk of making Caleb a curmudgeonly conservative, and making Adam a saintly leftist, which I'm sure isn't your intent.
Your scene with Caleb and mother in the hospital is a great touch.
I'm guessing you have plans for Christian in later episodes. It'd be nice to see what he's about.
Small typos on pages 30 and 35.
I think you've got a great start here. I hope my suggestions help you out a little. Hopefully you'd get a chance to read my script and give me some feedback as well. Good luck!!
At 8:16 on Friday, Feb 3, 2012
Infinite Wishes
Hi Kelly, I read over "Infinite" and really enjoyed the swift, smart, and slightly irreverent tone you've written into the episode. Great work. I like the characters you've set up in the pilot, they make a good foundation to build upon in future episodes. As far as suggestions go, I think Aaron needs a "kryptonite". While Aaron isn't Superman, his infinite genies make him nearly almighty. What's to stop himself from wishing himself into whatever he wants? Secondly, although I like Aaron as a character, I think he could possibly benefit from being a little more than your stereotypical nerd. Like Steve, Sugar, and Mara, a little depth of character will go a long way in making Aaron a full, rounded character. That being said, this is a great script, and definitely look forward to seeing whatever changes you make to the episode. Keep on keeping on...
At 5:33 on Tuesday, Nov 9, 2010
Caught in the Act
Hey B&T, sorry it took so long to get back to you. I read "Caught" and I've gotta say that it definitely stood out as one of the better comedy scripts I've read so far. As someone who struggles with writing comedy, take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I like Allison, and I think Isaac is a great, well formed character that teeters perfectly between vanity and vulnerability. I agree with the aforementioned comment that this show seems to work better as a 30 min work. I think you'd have the advantage of pumping in more laughs in a shorter amount of time. I think you could definitely push Allison a little farther in terms of emotional stressors (we know she's a struggling actress, what's that like for her?) In addition, I felt as though the hectic desperation presented earlier in the pilot was lost during Isaac's wild weekend(Ralph, Chris, Babysitting, etc.) and could have been shortened in order to maintain an even tone throughout the episode. All in all, this is a great script that I definitely would hope to see in the 10 Finals in the competition. Awesome work!
At 4:44 on Tuesday, Nov 9, 2010
Intake
Thanks again for your thoughts, guys. I wrote this script in 2010, and haven't looked at it since then. Your suggestions are getting the creative juices flowing again. Much appreciated.
At 12:07 on Thursday, Feb 9, 2012