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Showing 1 - 6 of 6 comments.
TEAMWORK
Hi Joshua
I think with some serious tweaking this could make a funny Adult Swim series. I have to agree with Aaron - it's like a live action cartoon. There's glimpse's of funny stuff in here but it's a little too wacky for my tastes and I didn't laugh until about 7 pages in... so I would think about grabbing my attention with some laughs on page one/two right away....
Good luck!
At Feb 28, 2012 7:13:12 PM
My polish dad
Hey Luke,
Agree with the other posters here. You are writing what you know and there are some funny bits (the snake stuff in the beginning is great). Great first stab a family pilot like this.
But yes, it's way too short. When I read a pilot sitcom I really want to laugh alot and be surprised by story and at least be engaged for a while... didn't feel there were any surprises here. Also your Polish folks accents, voices, POVs, etc. can be a one trick pony at times. I also didn't get a sense of what Thomas wanted and what would happen if he didn't get it... the stakes and such. Ask yourself: What's Thomas' dilemma? Why is that funny?
At Feb 28, 2012 1:49:29 PM
"Nexxus" - Pilot Episode
Thanks Dave! Appreciate the feedback. Going to read your stuff today and will contact you... All the best! Mike =)
At Feb 28, 2012 12:40:01 PM
"Nexxus" - Pilot Episode
Thanks WNM! Appreciate the kind words. I really wanted to write a fun show for the likes of a USA or Fox so that means a lot!
At Jan 21, 2012 10:28:05 PM
Quarter Life Crisis
I enjoyed your script. Great writing. I have to say it took me a while though to get into the characters in the few first pages. I really wanted to know what their quarter life crisis was right away. I felt you were showing me that Rich had crazy roommates and this was his dilemma... I wanted to know what Rich's true dilemma was... what was at stake up front and what his goals are right away. Don't know if anybody else who read it felt the same way, but I would have loved to see a more original scene up front that really paints a picture of who he is, what he wants....I can't tell you how many pilots start with someone waking up in the morning and it doesn't strike me as original. Otherwise I kept reading but I wanted this to feel more was at stake and something was tangible... But on Page 10 this line is what should have been expressed much earlier and you had it on page 10 -- Rich: "Our second day here, and we might
get kicked out. I have maybe $60 in my savings. And I owe Citibank my first born son." Just my .02 cents. Congrats on being a Scriptapalooza finalist and good luck with your script! =)
At Jan 20, 2012 7:03:23 PM
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Adopted
Hey Matt... this is a fun script. I enjoyed it and can see it in my head and on TV. I was worried it wasn't going to be grounded (and of course funny) but there is a lot of heart here and stuff to work with for a series... Sure some of these characters are flat, but I think you can beef them up - make all your characters have clear goals... and a strong POV and you will enhance the dialogue. Remember every character works as an obstacle to the main characters goals. Maybe if you workshop this you can play around with the character more...or I actually think you should shoot a web series with these characters! Anyway... Great sample draft... only place is to go up from here.
At Feb 29, 2012 3:29:18 PM